you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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