this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize