I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I did not marry a roomba.
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