Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This is the high leading the old right now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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