You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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