Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
