please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
