Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize