the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
