mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
