I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You pole danced in your parka.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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