I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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