is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
