Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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