I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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