after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
