My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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