After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
