We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
