I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
