I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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