All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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