he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
