i think my mom watched the whole time
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
