My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
