So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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