I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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