i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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