Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
