peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
