Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
