I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
