i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
