is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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