I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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