You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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