We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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