you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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