Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
