just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.