I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.