Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door