I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
