Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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