Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
