how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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