Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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