I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
