bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
