tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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