Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
