I faked an abortion last night.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
