Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
