I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
