Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
