he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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